Thursday, October 11, 2007

Letter To My Mother

Today, I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do: I took control of my life and put an end to a lifetime of emotional and psychological abuse. The following is the letter I sent to my mother. It is my first attempt at communication since January of this year.

I’ve been putting off writing this letter mostly because I was too angry to write it. Today, I felt clear-headed enough to do this...

The reason you haven’t heard from me and why I have dropped off the map is because of you. When you ask yourself why is this happening and whose to blame – you are.

This is all your fault.

Last Christmas, while you were driving the New York family nuts, the west coast clan did something we never did before: we talked.

And talked and talked and talked.

It was as though I was meeting my family for the first time and I have to say; it was easily the best holiday I’ve ever had.

Since my short stint in New York, I have been confronting all the members of my family about EVERYTHING you ever told me about them over the years. Imagine my rage as I have learned that none of it is true. Why you selfishly kept everyone away from me my whole life… Told me lies about them so I wouldn’t want to know them and stay away… I’ll never know and frankly, I could care less.

All I do know is that I wasted a good 25 years of my life being angry about things that don’t exist. I hated myself because I believed that everyone else hated me and I couldn’t understand why.

The intense isolation. The depression. The suicide attempts.

All of these things – based on lies that you told me -- Lies that I believed because I trusted you. Why would I NOT believe my own mother? At this point, I’m left with no choice but to disregard everything you’ve ever said.

What’s wrong with you?! How could you do this to your own son? Are you really that selfish?? That controlling and manipulative???

(at least now, I am getting a second chance at the life I’ve always hoped for)

I’ve learned that this is nothing new… Yes, I heard what you said to the Florida family about me. I worked so hard to clean that shit hole you live in, give it a fresh coat of paint and make it something bright and cheerful and pleasant again… for what? So you can bad mouth me behind my back?? Insult my wife and her family??? Fuck you.

I might consider a reconciliation if you:

1. Seek psychological counseling and
2. Tell the entire family that you are a liar and apologize to them.

AFTER you’ve done this and under the supervision of your therapist I will consider seeing and speaking to you again. This last condition is mostly because I don’t want to be alone in the same room with you, as you’re bad for my mental health, but also because I won’t believe you if you tell me that you’re getting help.

Sleep in the bed you’ve made.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

In Art I Trust

As I draw a close to this: the first week of this beautifully insane experiment, I am reminded of how emotionally, psychologically and physically taxing the creative process can be.

The terror.
The bubbling insecurities and self doubt.
The figurative self-flagellation.

I won't let this stop me. If this was easy, I wouldn't care and I'd never do it. Take my uncle: without even trying, he's this sickeningly talented artist but It comes so easy, that he's never taken it anywhere. It just doesn't matter to him. On the other hand, it's taken me something like twenty one years of continuous suffrage -- pushing myself beyond my limits -- to get where I'm at right now. The crazy part is, as far as I'm concerned and after all my efforts to this point -- I STILL feel like it's not enough.

It will never be enough, that's why I keep doing it -- trying to outdo myself with every brush stroke, every layout. I know that as an artist, I have to let go and give in to the madness.

That's the point.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Got Something To Say?

It was brought to my attention that the comment thing wasn't working right. I have now fixed it.